TEEN

The Rebellious Teen

Analysing the recent issues being reported to our helpline (1098) a fresh realization is that there is much more problems faced by children of single parents compared to children who have both parents. As Kerala is presently ‘the divorce capital of Asia’ there is an ever increasing number of single parents and their children.  Most single parents find it difficult to manage their children and often are at a loss at guiding the defiant teenager.

Researchers have several theories to explain why children growing up with single parents have an elevated risk of experiencing cognitive, social, and emotional problems. Most refer either to the economic and parental resources available to children or to the stressful events and circumstances to which these children must adapt regardless of family structure. The quality of parenting is one of the best predictors of children's emotional and social well-being. Many single parents, however, find it difficult to function effectively as parents. 

Inept parenting by single parents produce a variety of negative outcomes among children, including poor academic achievement, emotional problems, conduct problems, low self-esteem, substance abuse and problems forming and maintaining social relationships. Children living with single parents are exposed to more stressful experiences and circumstances. The single male parent often are not able to guide and direct girl children especially in giving proper direction regarding growth stages. The work schedule often tussles with caring for children. The female single parent often find it extremely difficult to manage an irate male teenager. The children often get into unwanted relationships or end up becoming substance abusers.

There are often simple things which are left out which if done earlier, could produce a well integrated teenager. It is important to discuss the developmental stages of children to understand the same.

Child developmental stages can broadly be divided in to three stages, early childhood stage, childhood stage and teen/adolescents stage.

  At the stage of early childhood children need constant care as they are susceptible to accidents and are almost fully dependent on their parents. It is also a time of active exploration of their environment.     Language development takes major leaps which leads to learning the names of objects of interest, the ability to ask for things and as they discover their independent nature.  It is the stage where parents give their children a lot of care as they need lots of support in walking, talking and exploring.

Second stage of childhood is the age of impressions. Here they create impressions on what they observe. This is a stage where children are often left free by parents as they will report everything that happens to them at school and where ever they go to their parents and they are the heroes for children at this stage. As children are least problematic at this stage least care is given to them. This is the greatest mistake made by parents. If good impressions are received, it forms good future for children. In our homes when parents are busy, they will just open the Television or video games for children to occupy and they receive just the wrong impressions from these experiences. Televisions and video games often have over 90 percent of adult content. The wrong impressions create wrong world view and they often become unmanageable at the adolescent stage.

At this level, parents need to impart a moral code that the child gradually internalizes.  As children struggle with important tasks parents must be able to provide praise and encouragement and corrections whenever necessary. It is also the stage when the child needs most care but unfortunately we provide least care.

At the stage of teen/adolescents, children express what impressed them in the previous stage. There is no doubt that for most families, the teen years present a challenge for both parents and children. It is often fraught with scary body changes, bullying by peers and a new surge for independence.  This leads to passive-aggressive behaviour (“I’ll do it in a minute”), self-consciousness (“What are you staring at?”) and self-doubt (“I’m not good at anything.”) and/or over-confidence (“Well, I thought I could do that.”) and of course moodiness (“Leave me alone.”). 

Take very good care of your child in the second stage of development and you will get a teen who will give you peace of mind after your hectic work schedule; Leave your angel child (second stage) unattended and you are sure to lose your job when your child grows to be a teenager!

'To Sir with Love'

Motivation For Teachers

Last year Don Bosco Trivandrum’s ‘Success for Success’ (S4S) Training team conducted more than 175 sessions for teachers, parents, Police, Resident Associations and children at different parts of Trivandrum district.  It is an alarming fact that majority of the students are unmotivated towards education. In fact, it is the routine complaints of the teachers and parents that they don’t recognize the value and importance of higher education for their future. However, motivation is a key factor for the success of every student at all stages of life. Teachers can play a key role in providing and encouraging motivation among students.

Generally no amount of lecturing, pleading or threatening will change a child’s point of view. First of all, you have to understand the causes behind the lack of motivation. Some of the causes may perhaps be lack of self esteem, low expectation from the class, lack of support from home etc. Once you have the idea of the sources of the problem then you can develop strategy to overcome it.

Motivating students is not always an easy task; it requires creative techniques. Here are some suggestions which can be consideration.

1.    Offer Choices to your students which give a sense of control rather than feeling directly controlled.

2.    Create a threat free environment.

3.    Encourage self esteem.

4.    Inspire students by introducing activities relates to them.

5.    Make goals high but attainable. Do not give task which is easy or hard; rather give a challenging task which is just above his/her capability.

6.    Invite motivators, role models etc to your class for an interaction so that they feel that they can be.

7.    Always be dependable so that students can approach you with issues and concerns.

8.    Use responsive techniques like listening, supportive, show empathy etc by which you are providing an open door for your students to give back verbally and emotionally.

9.    Find out the learning difficulties from student point of view and works together to find a way that can help the student performs better.

10. Adding fun activities into your school day can make the class room much more friendly place for all students.

Even the most well-intentioned and educated teachers sometimes lack the skills to keep kids on track, so whether you’re a new teacher or an experienced one, try using these methods to motivate your students and to encourage them to live up to their true potential. 

Women's Day

 Women's Day - Some Thoughts

Every year we celebrate International Women’s day on march 8^th and this time around the documentary called ‘India’s Daughter’ rocked the world with its content of Indian civic society’s mind which offers punishing women who does not follow their cultural norms by raping them to death. The scenario is more than alarming. Women remain as second class citizens.

The Indian polity more or less has always tried to cope with the contemporary need based developments of laws for specified purposes. It is well accepted by the thinkers, philosophers and academicians that if JUSTICE, LIBERTY, EQUALITY and FATERNITY, including social, economic and political justice, the golden goals set out by the preamble of the constitution are to be achieved; the Indian polity has to be educated and educated with excellence. One can only hope that Indian polity will be equipped with the successful implementation of laws by powerfully implementing them.

Domestic violence has been recorded along the history of human civilization. It can be seen as emanating from human’s basic desire to gain power. Even though women have proved their capabilities in almost every sector affirming that they are no less than men, domestic violence is still very much prevalent. According to UN population fund report, around two third of married Indian women are victims of domestic violence.

The constitution of India guarantees substantive equality to women but behind the closed doors of homes all across of our country, women are being tortured, beaten and killed. It’s happening in the villages of rural India to the luxurious apartments in metros. It’s in all classes, castes, racial and different age groups; and has become a legacy being handed over from generation to generation in the name of culture and customs.

We can define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person

Most of the time the reason for never ending harassment may not be very serious like dowry or so. It can be for arguing with partner, refusing of having sex with him whenever he wants or the way he like it, neglecting children, going out without informing the partner, not cooking properly on time, indulging in extra martial affairs, not looking after in-laws, infertility,  desire of male child, greed for money, alcoholism.

In metros, factors are slightly different which include more income of a working woman than a partner, her absence in house till late night, abusing and neglecting in-laws, being more progressive in society and standing up for her rights. Working women are often subjected to abuses assaults and coercion for sex by colleagues or superiors as reward for hikes and promotions.

According to the statistics, women in India who are more educated than their husbands, earn more or are the sole earners of the families face a higher risk of domestic violence than women who are more dependent on their partners. In such cases, men need to reassert their power or maintain social control over their wives to preserve the status quo in the relationship.

Other forms of violence are female infanticide; the manifestation of violence is very deep-rooted and dangerous. It is a pernicious manifestation of an ideology which devalues a girl child. Child abuse and incest; even though sexual assaults are happening against male and female children it is observed that 90 % of victims are female. Child marriage, Immoral trafficking of children, sati, forced prostitution, age related abuses, killing in the name of honor, humiliation isolation, threats, intimidation, denial and blame.

Any attacks on women leads to a problem which will lead to depression, anxiety, low esteem, lack of trust in others, feeling of abandonment, anger, sensitivity of rejection, chronic health problems, lack of sleep, inability to work, poor relationships.

There are direct and indirect victims of domestic violence like children. Children coming from violent home show growing insecurity, lose confidence which leads to gradual withdrawal from the society and becomes completely depressed.  They become disobedient being aggressively violent. Some may succumb to drugs and alcohol when treated harshly, attempt suicide, Victims of sexual assaults are likely to become abusers in later life.

It is difficult and potentially misleading to make a culture based arguments about the problems that women face in India because of the size and diversity of the country.  Domestic violence is an undesired output of the gender inequality inside home.  The need of the hour is not more powerful laws but to create a gender friendly environment in which a woman would be able to assert her rights and seek legal recourse. Given the lack of support a woman is provided with, it is highly unlikely that a woman will ever resort to legal remedies unless she is assured, at a minimum, a right to reside in her home. It became more complex because of the lack of general personal laws in property and matrimonial rights.

Educated women are aware of their rights; when they stand up conflicts begin. In 1983, domestic violence was recognized as a specific criminal offence by the introduction of section 498A into the Indian penal code. This section deals with cruelty by a husband or his family towards a married woman.  Four types of cruelty are dealt with by this law.

        i.            Conduct that is likely to drive a woman to suicide,

      ii.            Conduct which is likely to cause grave injury to the life, limb or health of the woman,

    iii.            Harassment with the purpose of forcing the woman or her relatives to give some property,

     iv.        Harassment because the woman or her relatives are unable to yield to demands for more money or does not give some property.

The punishment is imprisonment for three years and a fine. It is not necessary that the victim herself have to complain, any relative or friend can make a complaint on behalf of herself. If a woman dies of unnatural causes within seven years of marriage and has been harassed before death, the courts will assume that it is a case of death by domestic violence.  It is punishable up to 7 years.  On 23^rd June 2005 the cabinet approved the protection of women from domestic violence bill, after which it received assent from parliament. This approval brings to the fore a new civil law on domestic violence, which provides immediate emergency remedies for woman facing violence. These include protection orders; non-molestation orders; and the right to reside in the shared household.

The role of NGOs in controlling domestic violence is crucial. They offer extensive mental and legal supports the victims, and conducts awareness regarding the legal rights they have in hand for fighting against the atrocities they are subjected to. NGOs encourage more and more people to report any case against Domestic violence and following up the cases.

Woman must not accept but challenge. She must not be awed by that which has been built around her. We must respect women in their struggles for expression. Women empowerment doesn’t just mean smart economics; empowerment is beyond financial independence. It’s all about, knowledge, dignity, respect and more over equality, liberty and more.

Parents - Role models

Be a Parent - Be a Role Model

“Madam my father is a drunkard, but I like him very much. He quarrels with my mother and uncles.” said by a child during a counseling session. Last couple of weeks our Don Bosco-CHILDLINE dealt with a number of cases of children affected by family problems. Most intriguing information is that even when parents are quarrelling and there are constant fights and children are forced to take sides, the presence both parents are always what children want. Children imitate their parents in initial learning process. In the course of continuous pressure on children their mental health gives way.

Children are sensitive and astute with an uncanny ability to distinguish between adults who only talk a good game and those who play the game by the rules they preach. Parents are their children’s strongest role model and greatest influence. Children will eventually adopt many of their parents’ values and types of behavior, just as they are influenced by their parents. Children notice and respond to the way parents deal with problems, express feelings and respond to people.

As a parent, it is impossible to escape from being a model to your child. Your children will see your example—positive or negative—as a pattern for the way life is to be lived. If your child sees you doing something or acting a certain way, he is bound to try to do the same. When the parent is a smoker, the child might hold up a pencil and pretend he is doing the same.

Social scientists and genetic researchers have identified many cycles that loop from one generation to the next. Children who live in homes where parents smoke are more likely to become smokers. Parents who abuse drugs or alcohol are more likely to find their children someday do the same. Adults who were abused as children may indeed hurt their own children. And that’s not all. Parents with a low self-esteem raise children with the same affliction. There are cycles to teenage pregnancy, domestic violence, and under-education.

What you do shows your child how you want him/her to behave.  What you eat, how much you exercise, and how you look after yourself will all influence your child. What you say is also important. You can help your child to manage and control his own behavior by talking about how behavior affects other people. You can also use more complex reasoning and examples to talk about the differences between right and wrong.

Tips for role-modeling

1.      Be your best

2.      Keep a positive outlook

3.      Practice positive communication skills

4.      Take care of yourself

5.      Show respect for others and yourself

6.      Be dependable

7.      Be loyal

8.      Be attentive

9.      Teach the value of health

10.   Teach (healthy) skepticism

11.   Work on anger management

12.   Enforce consequences when your kid does something wrong

13.   Fess up when you've done something wrong

14.   Start now

Parents should thus show their children that honesty, courage, mercy, love and tolerance are as important as brilliant feats of mind and body are to retain the world’s sanity. This is something which we own to our children. Parents aren't perfect. We lose our tempers, say things we are sorry for and are not always as kind as we would like to be. We are human. It is important to admit our mistakes, say we're sorry, and show that we try to make things right.

Being a positive role model for your children is one of the most important and rewarding things you can do for your child.